April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, so we worked with our amazing sex educator partner Cassandra Corrado to write a blog post on this topic.
When we think about barrier methods protecting us, we usually think about physical factors, like preventing pregnancy or STI transmission.
But barrier methods also provide psychological protection too. They help us to not worry (as much) about the possibility of an unintended pregnancy. They also can help us feel more confident and in control of various sexual situations. Even if you’re someone who is frequently tested for STIs, using barrier methods can help provide that extra boost of reassurance after sexual intercourse.
Barrier methods (like latex condoms, dental dams, contraceptive sponges, and gloves) can also provide another layer of psychological protection: helping survivors of sexual violence feel in control of their bodies again.
After someone has experienced sexual violence, they may have difficulty with skin-to-skin contact. That’s because trauma basically tricks our brains into thinking that we’re still in that violent or unsafe situation, even if it happened a long time ago.
That may mean that someone’s brain is telling them “touch is bad! Touch is dangerous!” even when they’re in a safe situation. Trauma brain sometimes doesn’t let us see that safety, because it’s too focused on trying to protect us from what has already happened.
If you’re someone who has struggled with touch or affirming your boundaries after trauma, you’re not alone. There are many ways to begin rebuilding a positive and safe relationship with your body and sex after trauma.
Here are some of the ways you can use barrier methods to restore your sense of autonomy.
1. Use them during solo play
We tend to think of barrier methods as tools that can only be used during partnered play, but that just isn’t true. Many folks opt to use them during solo play, too. If you have a penis, you might want to wear a barrier method to make post-hand job clean-up a little easier. If you’re using a dildo for vaginal or anal penetration, using a condom can help keep your toy cleaner.
Because many survivors of sexual violence struggle with skin-to-skin touch (even on their own), using a barrier method can help to reduce that anxiety and help you focus on what’s happening in the moment, instead.
Whether you’re masturbating with your hands, a toy, or something else, adding a barrier method may give you a stronger sense of security. Remember, barrier methods aren’t just external condoms! You can also try out dental dams (oral dams), internal condoms, or unpowdered gloves. (Just make sure to add a little extra lube, because barrier methods can create uncomfortable friction if they’re not lubricated).
2. Practice using them on your own
After someone has experienced sexual trauma, you may have a high amount of anxiety around sex. Anxiety can cause us to sweat, feel uncoordinated, and to shake a little bit—all things that make it harder to apply a barrier method!
You may not completely get rid of the anxious feeling, but you can help reduce it by practicing using barrier methods on your own. Grab a sampler pack of condoms or the barrier of your choice and practice opening them, properly applying them, and removing them. Do it as many times as you need until you feel a little more like, “Yeah, I can do this.”
Practicing a sex-related task can help to normalize sex for you again, plus, focusing on a task during moments of anxiety can help us move through those feelings a little more easily.
3. Buy, store, and check them yourself
If you experienced sexual violence that involved someone tampering with your barrier methods or birth control, it may be difficult for you to trust that your current partner isn’t intentionally compromising your barrier methods, too.
To give your brain an extra bit of reassurance, don’t rely on your partner to supply the condoms. Buy some yourself (or grab some for free from your local health center), keep them in a safe place in your home, and use one of those during sex. Remember to check the package in advance for things like the expiration date and if the air bubble is still present inside the wrapper!
If you don’t have barrier methods of your own, you can check your partner’s to make sure that they’re safe to use. Check the label’s expiration date, ensure that the air bubble is present, and open and apply it so that you can check for any punctures or tears.
Simply having your own barrier methods may seem like a small thing, but it can help give you a sense of security and stability, which is key to rebuilding a positive relationship with sex after trauma.
4. Use them to affirm your boundaries
If someone has disrespected your sexual and physical boundaries in the past, it can be incredibly challenging to set them now. We might think to ourselves, “My boundary wasn’t respected then. Why bother setting one now?”
If someone didn’t respect your boundary, that is never your fault. It’s theirs. They chose to harm you.
Setting and affirming our boundaries can be a struggle, but doing so (and having them respected) also helps us to feel a little more in control of our sex lives. So, set-up some time (outside the bedroom) to talk with your partners about barrier methods and your other sexual boundaries. Talk about what barrier methods you want to use, for which sex acts you want to use them, and how frequently you want to use them.
Having that conversation outside of the bedroom helps to reassure your mind that it’s safe for you to talk about your boundaries and desires.
That also makes it easier to advocate for barrier method use when you’re actually in bed! Try practicing what those in-the-moment affirmations sound like. It might be, “I’d love to keep doing this. Do you have a condom?” or “I’m really into this, but I know we’re out of condoms and it’s important to me that we use one. Let’s do ______ instead, until we can get to the store.”
As you practice rebuilding your relationship with sex, remember that you have many tools and strategies that you can turn to for support, and barrier methods are one of them! It may not always be easy, but that’s okay. You’ve been through some pretty intense stuff, and you get to take all the time you need to heal.
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